Doing and not doing

Sitting here today - or rather lying here. My back went out yesterday, which it does about once or twice a year. Luckily, it seems to get back to normal with a day or two of rest. But, as I lay in bed, board out of my skull, not inclined to read or watch tv or any other such leisure activity, I got to thinking. My reluctance to the above mentioned forms of distraction isn't so much a reluctance to said activities, as it is a need to be doing something productive. Of which, the above mentioned seem to be not. So, the question of the day is, why the drive to be productive?

Some folks, I think, feel lazy if they are not accomplishing something, but this is not my particular problem. For me, the drive to be productive has to do with the overwhelming number of goals I am trying to achieve at any given time. There always seems to be a list of tasks to be accomplished in order to move forward in the achievement of my goals, and the longer it takes to check off those items, the longer I have to wait for my goal. The problem is that there is always a list, always a goal, and never any room for just enjoying the present moment. But, then again, what the heck does that mean anyway - enjoying the present moment?

Apparently, enjoying the moment is something we are suppose to strive for - a spiritual blue ribbon as it were. I guess it means something like not spending all your time and energy in the future or in the past, because now is the only thing we can know for sure. Okay fine. I can see how that would be good, insofar as it would get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to do something, but just how am I suppose to get rid of that feeling anyway? I think my brain is stuck in a loop. It knows the patterns of accomplishment so well (doesn't matter the specifics, just that it is accomplishing something), that it has a hard time shifting into any other pattern - including just being.

So, if accomplishment is just a pattern, then so is just being. And, the way to get there is practice, practice, practice. Start laying those tracks now, and over time just living in the moment will be the deepest rut and the one I fall into by default. I need to cultivate activities that are specifically without end. My goal (ha, there I go again) is to play more video games. Wish me luck.