Rejection

Ok, so what is it about rejection that keeps us from really showing who we are to the world? Why should it be so scary to have someone else not want what you have to give? Why does it matter so much what someone else thinks? Is the possibility of not being accepted so threatening that it can keep us from being who we are, or even make us change to fit what we imagine the world wants?

It all makes sense in my head. I mean, I know all that stuff about being true to yourself. I know it in relationships and in art. But still, it always feels so vulnerable to offer the real stuff up to others for acceptance or rejection. Maybe that's why we are tempted to conform. Maybe if we offer up a false self, then if no one wants it, we won't really be that hurt. Maybe if I change everything to what I think they want, they won't reject me. But, that's not real acceptance then, is it? Eventually, you have to put the authentic piece on the auction block and see if there are any bidders.

And if there aren't, then what? What does that say about you? Or does it say anything about you at all? Maybe it says more about those doing the accepting or rejecting. Not in a bad way, but just in a fitting together sort of way. Maybe its just a matter of finding those people who are in your family. If its not your family, what you offer won't make sense to them - and of course vice versa.

I guess maybe we are all scared that we don't have a family, and that its better to make ourselves fit into one, than to find ourselves alone. That's it. The fear of being alone. Worse than the demon of nothingness, the demon of isolation. Nothingness. Nirvana. That's wonderful and desirable. But, isolation, that's just sad. It pulls at your heart. Being alone, that's a tragedy. I don't mean being alone for a night or a few days. I mean being alone as in wanting human connection, but not having any. Connection is what defines our humanness, our soul even. Without it we are not quite complete. This is why we strive for acceptance and why rejection is so terrifying. It threatens our soul really. It looms the possibility of a kind of death.

Our innate sense of survival drives us to avoid rejection at all costs. Either by not offering up the real thing, or not offering up anything at all. But, then in our efforts to protect ourselves, we accomplish the very thing we hoped to avoid - isolation. So, we go through life in a calculated attempt to offer just enough, but not too much. Well, I'm done. This is just who I am. Take it or leave it.